How To Lose A Guy, Quickly

Do you have a stalker?  Do you have a raving "fanatic" admirer you have dumped but has the tenacity of a pit bull terrier?  Have you just broken up with someone and moved on with your life, but you can't seem to get rid of this idiot who thinks you are making a mistake and that your brain is just lapsing into a black hole?  Have you just met someone that you tried to be nice and pleasant (translate, not rude) with, because you thought for a nanosecond, (in the comfort of a dark Club and a couple of Martinis), he may be interesting; but you realized, when the sun was out and the alcohol has completely been washed out of your system, that being nice was a terrible, terrible mistake?  Then the wisdom you will get from this post is meant for you!
However, if you are happily taken, crazy in love, or living in bliss with your soul mate, just read on, for the sake of good times.  
I reckon people might misconstrue me to be an anal-retentive bitch, given that most of my posts are laden with  philosophical ramblings; on the contrary, I am 25% quirky and 25% cheeky.  The balance 50% gets equally distributed across the different neuroses I have.

Moving on, let me give you, desperate girls, a couple of HOW TO's that guarantee to have those infatuated jerks hounding you, drop like dead flies in no time.  Like they say, if you can't weed them out, smoke 'em out!   

• Grow a lot of BODY HAIR, fast! And when they grow, keep them where they are.  Don't shave, don't wax.  It is totally euro-cosmopolitan.  Why?  There are not a lot of men who can stand women who have more hair growth than they do.  If you can swing it, grow a beard!

• Forget all your decent hygiene habits.  Be stinky and dirty.  Eat a lot of garlic, anchovies and cheese pizza, and forget to brush your teeth for three (3) days, then meet up with this dude for a date.  Bad breath, body odour, unwashed hair, dirty wardrobe, just be a total slob!  Isn't the oily, blotchy, pimply face simply annoying?  Lard it up! If you are living with family, warn them that you are doing a behavioural research on "tolerance", or say whatever crap you can get away with. 

• Be clingy.  Be needy.  Be constantly tearing up and insecure.  Tell him you realized how wrong you are for dumping him, then leave silly notes on his car, send him text messages every 5 minutes to tell him how much you miss him; then send him an e-mail greeting card every 30 minutes.  Diversify your message with: I love you; You're So Hot; I miss you; I'm thinking of You; or the totally pathetic, "Do you know what I am thinking about now?"  Go for it, be creative with your sweet nothings; the more, the merrier.  If he doesn't reply to your text messages or emails,  call him on his mobile, or office line, or home line.   Then CRY.  Tell him it seems that he does not love you anymore. Throw a tantrum.  Guys just love that!

• Be an attention-seeker, wherever and whenever you are with him, or even without him.  Be loud and lewd when you are with him.  Don't forget to dress inappropriately.  In public restaurants, try to take as many pictures of both of you, or better yet, just you.  Give him your mobile phone so he can snap a picture.

• Acquire the Princess Syndrome, if you still aren't one.  Be an overnight high maintenance bee-yatch.  Demand expensive presents, night outs, Spa treatments, new shoes, clothes, bags, diamonds, Caribbean vacations, all charged against his account.  The key word is DEMAND, don't ask, just get it.  If he complains, tell him you deserve all the high-end things.  After all, you're a Princess.

• Be an all-time flirt.  A fail-safe turn-off.  Flirt.  With everyone.  Better yet, flirt with his friends.  Publicly display your affection with him and his friends.  If you can do this simultaneously, you are getting there! 

• Be flaky.  Be consistent with your inability to commit to anything.  Say "Fine", "Whatever" and "Maybe" after every other sentence when he talks to you.  If he cracks a joke, stare at him.  After about 30 minutes, whilst he is talking about something totally different, laugh out loud.  Slap his back and tell him his joke was totally hilarious!  If he asks you about things you have planned about, pretend it's the first time you heard it.  If this doesn't work, just say, "Maybe", Whatever" or "Whatev."

• Change everything about him.  You have to be very firm here; complain about his hair, his clothes, his scent, his shoes, his car, his friends.  Tell him to change all that. If he likes action movies, bring him to chick flicks.  Whimper if he disagrees. Tell him you don't like his office, his job, even his career.  And that if he really loves you, he will change everything.  Talk to him about all your previous ex-boyfriends or ex-lovers.  Compare and attack his flaws. Convince him to believe that he should really be better if he wants you in his life.  If you want the ultimate, force him to choose Priority Number One among his friends, his car, his toys and you. 

• Get a full body tattoo.  Don't hold back. (Listen, use henna, the temporary ink.  Don't do this if you're dead serious about body marks and piercing.)  Call him and surprise him with a total new look. 

• If all these fail, try the ultimate.  Pick your wedgie in public.  Remember to fix it every time you are out with him, in public.  Make sure he sees that you are picking it.  If he stares at you in disapproval, snort.

On the rare occasion that this stalker/admirer of yours hangs on and still adores the ground you walk on, either you marry him or call 911.  This dude needs professional help,  the sooner, the better.