What is the most effective way to create and sustain great relationships with others?
It's The 100/0 Principle: You take full responsibility (the 100) for the relationship, expecting nothing (the 0) in return.
Okay don't give me that look that says, "are you for real?". This Post is just an excerpt from a Book with the same title authored by AL RITTER. A Book On Improving Relationships: 100/0 Principle
And it is, by no means so much easier to read, than to do. Implementing The 100/0 Principle is not natural for most of us. It takes real commitment to the relationship and a good dose of self-discipline to think, act and give 100 percent.
The insight from this excerpt however helps us identify what relationships really matter to us in this lifetime. The 100/0 Principle applies to those people in your life where the relationships are too important to react automatically or judgementally. Keep an open mind. That's not even easy for some, but I trust all of you can and I love to be proven right.
Now here are some simple Steps that you may follow but remember, since this requires a lot of selflessness and discipline, I don't think this should apply to everyone you meet.
STEP 1 - Determine what you can do to make the relationship work...then do it. (Okay, I can do that.) Demonstrate respect and kindness to the other person, whether he/she deserves it or not. (Are you serious? Okay okay I'll try my best ... geesh, and that's just Step1)
STEP 2 - Do not expect anything in return. Zero, zip, nada. (Whut? Nothing? zilch? good grief ...)
STEP 3 - Do not allow anything the other person says or does (no matter how annoying!) to affect you. In other words, don't take the bait. ( I will definitely stress eat ...)
STEP 4 - Be persistent with your graciousness and kindness. Often we give up too soon, especially when others don't respond in kind. Remember to expect nothing in return. (I am a work in progress in terms of Patience. I feel like I'm going to lose this one)
At times (usually few), the relationship can remain challenging, even toxic, despite your 100 percent commitment and self-discipline. When this occurs, you need to avoid being the "Knower" and shift to being the "Learner."
Try to avoid Knower statements/ thoughts like "that won't work," "I'm right, you are wrong," "I know it and you don't," "I'll teach you," "that's just the way it is," "I need to tell you what I know," etc.
Instead practice the use of Learner statements/thoughts like "Let me find out what is going on and try to understand the situation," "I could be wrong," "I wonder if there is anything of value here," "I wonder if..." etc. In other words, as a Learner, be curious!
I always believed this whole thing about relationships is complicated. There is just no simple way or steps to make things right, not when two people are concerned. Even twins who have grown from the same cell can become and behave like North and South Korea, what are the chances we will screw up our relationships with strangers we choose to love and care for? Or with children we have brought into this world?
We could go on trying to find the perfect formula and algorithm of how to keep a relationship strong. We can fall flat on our faces cursing ourselves for things we should have said and things we should have not. Or even the things we could have done, but didn't.
Any which way you slice and dice it, I seriously think relationship is all about being 100% giving and Zero receiving. At some point, through forces of nature, and the principles of paradox, the other party will reflect back the giving and the equation balances out to a perfect 100/100 ratio. If I will be asked where I scale against the 100/0 ratio principle, I will be too embarrassed to admit that my ratio is skewed somewhere. Taking full responsibility in a relationship is like a mother to her unborn child. You give everything you can for nine full months and not take anything back. At the point of childbirth, every mother will give up her own life to make sure her baby lives. For some, the whole process of childbearing, is either traumatic, ridiculous to go through again or never. And if the 100/0 Principle closely approximates that experience, how many people are willing to give it a shot? Yet still, how many people do you know are wishing that they have a perfect relationship; or believe that they have one; or are looking everywhere to build one?
I never claimed to have answers. I always have a lot of questions.
Just the most inspiring post I read for a long time Psycho. It's always what I tell myself, "give everything, require nothing". But it's easier to say. These steps and words are great help to improve relationship that matter to us. As we too often (and me the first) tend to give up if we don't receive as mush as we give.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for sharing these wonderful lines with us. Time to go working on my relationships, as some are in pretty bad shape!!
Take care.
I like this post. :)
ReplyDeletehmmmm...
i agree its hard to do, especially when cranky tired or in low spirits but i agree it should even at those times stick in the back of the mind.
ReplyDeletegreat post :)
Dear Marie, RJ and River,
ReplyDeleteThe thing about RELATIONSHIPS, not only is it made up of 13 letters and is a pretty long word, but what it really means to all of us is unique to each of us. Then everything else from simple becomes COMPLICATED. Another long word. Ironically, these are short words: LOVE, HOPE, LIFE. Interesting isn't it? ♥
i guess i've done something right in mine ...
ReplyDeleteand yes ... love, hope, life
love you
so much
xo
I agree with the principal. The busshist monks practise detachment in a similiar way. THey say if you expect nothing, you can never be dissapointed and you do whatever you want because of who you are, instead of basing it on the acitnos of others. If someone does not say thank you, it is their mistake, not yours for giving because if you had not given whilst being a giving person, it would have been a much greater mistake (I use the term mistake loosely as they don't believe in mistakes as such).
ReplyDeleteAnyway, loved the post and I think it could be effective in most relationships. However, it will not work in absuive relationships, and it should only be attempted in relationships which you want to keep (like you said). Work relationships for instance, are often temporary for many people. Assess, and then implement when you can as much you can.
Lovely post.
I was having a discussion with my dad this evening, and I mentioned the 100/0 principle.
ReplyDeleteIt got me thinking, though, that there are some situations when one is giving and not expecting anything in return, and the other party takes advantage of this. The point is, sometimes one can end up feeling 'used'. My question is, what do you do in that situation? Do you
a) Administer the 'hard love' tactic and stop giving whatever it is, so that they realise and start returning the favour, or
b) Carry on with patience, in the hope that they might eventually return the favour, because you love them and don't want them to feel bad about not doing so.
Well in any relationship RJ, there is also honesty and trust, to make it work.
ReplyDeleteLike I said, the 100/0 principle is so much easier to think about than to actually do and sustain. The principle espouses "patience" and forgiveness and relies on the natural forces to shift and balance the equation. Sadly, some people abuse and use the people who generally try to live by the principle.
Honestly, I don;t think I would want a relationship with someone I can expect nothing from. Sure, less disappointment. Well, it doesn't speak very well of that person if they have led you to expect nothing. it does indeed sound like a toxic relationship, unless, as PB said, a parent/child situation. but over time people do expect from thier child. That is caring, that is nuturing. To have enough faith in someone to have high expectations.
ReplyDeleteJamie