What is the most effective way to create and sustain great relationships with others?
It's The 100/0 Principle: You take full responsibility (the 100) for the relationship, expecting nothing (the 0) in return.
Okay don't give me that look that says, "are you for real?". This Post is just an excerpt from a Book with the same title authored by AL RITTER. A Book On Improving Relationships: 100/0 Principle
And it is, by no means so much easier to read, than to do. Implementing The 100/0 Principle is not natural for most of us. It takes real commitment to the relationship and a good dose of self-discipline to think, act and give 100 percent.
The insight from this excerpt however helps us identify what relationships really matter to us in this lifetime. The 100/0 Principle applies to those people in your life where the relationships are too important to react automatically or judgementally. Keep an open mind. That's not even easy for some, but I trust all of you can and I love to be proven right.
Now here are some simple Steps that you may follow but remember, since this requires a lot of selflessness and discipline, I don't think this should apply to everyone you meet.
STEP 1 - Determine what you can do to make the relationship work...then do it. (
Okay, I can do that.) Demonstrate respect and kindness to the other person, whether he/she deserves it or not. (Are you serious? Okay okay I'll try my best ... geesh, and that's just Step1)
STEP 2 - Do not expect anything in return. Zero, zip, nada. (
Whut? Nothing? zilch? good grief ...)
STEP 3 - Do not allow anything the other person says or does (no matter how annoying!) to affect you. In other words, don't take the bait. (
I will definitely stress eat ...)
STEP 4 - Be persistent with your graciousness and kindness. Often we give up too soon, especially when others don't respond in kind. Remember to expect nothing in return. (
I am a work in progress in terms of Patience . I feel like I'm going to lose this one)
At times (usually few), the relationship can remain challenging, even toxic, despite your 100 percent commitment and self-discipline. When this occurs, you need to avoid being the "Knower" and shift to being the "Learner."
Try to avoid Knower statements/ thoughts like "that won't work," "I'm right, you are wrong," "I know it and you don't," "I'll teach you," "that's just the way it is," "I need to tell you what I know," etc.
Instead practice the use of Learner statements/thoughts like "Let me find out what is going on and try to understand the situation," "I could be wrong," "I wonder if there is anything of value here," "I wonder if..." etc. In other words, as a Learner, be curious!
I always believed this whole thing about relationships is complicated. There is just no simple way or steps to make things right, not when two people are concerned. Even twins who have grown from the same cell can become and behave like North and South Korea, what are the chances we will screw up our relationships with strangers we choose to love and care for? Or with children we have brought into this world?
We could go on trying to find the perfect formula and algorithm of how to keep a relationship strong. We can fall flat on our faces cursing ourselves for things we should have said and things we should have not. Or even the things we could have done, but didn't.
Any which way you slice and dice it, I seriously think relationship is all about being 100% giving and Zero receiving. At some point, through forces of nature, and the principles of paradox, the other party will reflect back the giving and the equation balances out to a perfect 100/100 ratio. If I will be asked where I scale against the 100/0 ratio principle, I will be too embarrassed to admit that my ratio is skewed somewhere. Taking full responsibility in a relationship is like a mother to her unborn child. You give everything you can for nine full months and not take anything back. At the point of childbirth, every mother will give up her own life to make sure her baby lives. For some, the whole process of childbearing, is either traumatic, ridiculous to go through again or never. And if the 100/0 Principle closely approximates that experience, how many people are willing to give it a shot? Yet still, how many people do you know are wishing that they have a perfect relationship; or believe that they have one; or are looking everywhere to build one?
I never claimed to have answers. I always have a lot of questions.