Friday, March 4, 2011

The Abominable Dreadful Dentist

4 March 2011

Everyone is entitled to a fear.  To some, possibly "fears".
I grew up with Dental Phobia.  Sue me.  I should have outgrown this.  But unlike my other phobias, nothing comes close to my hell in a Dental Office.

I can even smell that fear.  A mix of minty, amalgamated gum base scent.  Yuch!  The mere suggestion of the aroma chills me and makes my heart fibrillate.

It would take tons of persuasion, a national election, massive toothaches, at least 3 overdoses from painkillers and partial incapacity, to drag me back into a dental chair.  I used to call a Dental Office, the original Torture Chamber.  Fine, so I lied, I still call it a Torture Chamber to-date.

A Dentist's Office can go totally art deco and nouveau, even state of the art with colours in lovely purple and lilac tones.  But the principles remain the same.  Its still a world of pain.

Fairly recently, I have this one molar that I have tried to completely ignore for a lifetime, and since it has been a cause of sleepless nights and too much pain, after a thorough consultation with the voices in my head, I relented.  I lost the great deliberation, and armed with courage, I decided I needed this to be looked into, by a professional.  By professional, I mean the "hangman", the death squad itself, a Dentist.  

I could be really unfair with that statement because there are a lot of nice people, good people even, who make their honest living in the practice of Dentistry and Orthodontics.  However the minute they put on that "work face" and white coat, I start feeling extremely nauseated, I sweat profusely, I cough uncontrollably, and die a little.  Besides going to a Dentist these days (with or without Insurance) is one hell of an expensive ride.  You are cut down to just 2 choices; to die in the chair or die due to the cost.  I could buy great looking shoes with the amount I pay this lyncher. But it can't be that bad.  After all it's just one nasty molar.

I spoke too soon, after my entire mouth was violated by cold steel metals, drills and detectors, the assassin told me there were several other molars that needed to be attended to.  You see here, when you have your mouth gagged and braced, you don't really have a lot of coherent responses, except but "nod" or "shake" your head.  And to that pesty little molar, the witch actually told me it was worth saving with a tooth cap, but this would require  a "root canal".
I don't know about you, but I went into a stupor.  An eff-ing root canal???  I have never had one and I never imagined I needed to go through one in this lifetime; plus, I have heard of all the horrors and drudgery associated with it.  Needless to say, when you're catatonic, the Dentist can pretty much abuse you, not that I didn't feel I was already being abused, but I can go to the extreme of feeling that I was being sexually assaulted.

I would like to believe I am a good person, so I will spare you the gory details of my execution. In a nutshell, my meeting with the hang-woman (I have a female dentist who looks every inch like the wicked Witch from the West with more excess pounds and wrinkles); went from one innocent consultation visit to 11 more.  12 agonizing, excruciating, tormenting and unbearable dental appointments.
On the 12th day, (no, it did not look like Christmas morning at all) the witch-Dentist told me I need to be back 3 months after to have a dental check-up.  She did not realize she was talking to a shell.  My soul had long left my body from the second visit onwards.  By then, I had already acquired an auditory impairment along with losing the rest of my sensory faculties.

I could be all grown up and rationalize where my dental phobia started.  As a matter of fact, I still remember that gloomy dark past of my life.  Except that I have buried this way too deep into the recesses of my core, that to discuss this now, will release all the ghosts and skeletons I have long kept in that room.

I resolved never to see that executioner again.  I took an oath to floss regularly; to use every product developed by dental care experts to remove plaque or whatever else there is that needs to be removed, and swore, on my grandmother's tomb, that I will keep my teeth healthy and white.  Oh sure, if I need to, I still have to go through the dental check up anyway.  I just need to find a less wicked gun-man or gun-lady, and once my basic faculties are back, I can gather enough grit to go through a torture chamber again. 

Oh by the way, I am sorry to burst your bubble.  But there are no tooth fairies.  It's only a myth.  A lousy one at that.  There are real tooth witches and warlocks.  Fairies?  Phooey!


  1. Ugh, Psycho! Why did you have to post this when I was just going to schedule my dentist appointment!! You and I share a common fear of the dentish - for me, it's the fact that I always leave with blood in my mouth that makes me dread the appointments. Ugh.

    I can feel your pain, girl, but hey, you're a survivor of the dentist!

  2. I feel your pain and share your phobia.
    I once had a root canal and promised myself of I was ever told I needed another I'd have the tooth removed before I let the happen.

    Torture is the right word.

  3. When I open my mouth a the dentist and look at his bulging eyes, all I think of is how he's looking for his next boat payment or thinking about which of my poor teeth would pay for a nice present for his misstress...and it's probably true. I dont like x rays, and I dont like teeth. Getting the courage for a cleaning puts me into a massive conflicted depression about life, so I do feel for you. I try to brush my teeth and floss but my fear is that if they don't see anything they will make something up. I realize this may all be in my head from when, as a kid, the dentist didnt believe in novacaine and used the hold your hand up when it hurts method. This probabaly is why i hate all dentists and teeth so much.

  4. I am not a huge fan of the dentist either. It pains me to think of going and I get all anxious as well. It stinks!

  5. Some pains are physical, some are mental,
    But the worst pain is that..
    ....which is dental!

    Been there, done that...2 root canals, 1 dental surgery & 2 extractions...all alone, sniff!

  6. hahaha! I went to the dentist for the first time, a year ago, for tooth extraction. It was scary. My tooth was aching so I finally decided - after trying to save it and put pasta on it -to remove that tooth, the culprit for my many sleepless night. I was given anesthesia. I could hear the sound of my tooth, "crack!" as the dentist tried to remove it. (though my tooth has a big hole in the outside, the root was still okay and strong, that is why.) I thought I was going to faint. hahaha!

  7. Hey,
    God I'm terrorized by dentists too!
    I'm freaking out because i must have my wisdom teeth out in the next two month. Your post made me laugh and i'll definitely be thinking abt it before they put me out!
    PS: my other phobia is dogs :(

  8. Hi there, just found your blog! Love the title as I am having some delicious coffee and a smoke as I type this comment :)

    I have the same fears about the dentist... to be honest I would much rather they knock me out every time so I have no recollection of what just happened.

    Hope your tooth is feeling better! :)

  9. I hate Dentists. I hate Lawyers too.
    What do you call a thousand Dentists and a thousand lawyers trapped under the bottom of the sea? ANSWER: A good start.
    Funny and cool post. I can relate to your experience. I have a friend who loves Dentists. She married one.


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