Twenty Three BASIC TRUTHS

AUTHOR'S NOTE:


This POST has been authored by someone else and was passed on to me by a very good friend. Frankly I have no idea who I need to acknowledge to give credit for such a hilarious piece, but honestly, it is too tempting to pass on, it's criminal to keep it stale on my Inbox. If you chance upon this post Mr./Ms. Author, give me a holler, it's a great list!


Meanwhile back at the ranch, go ahead, have a little chuckle.

1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers; I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds - eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

I don't know about you people, but #23 just takes the cake for me.

Are You WHAT YOU WEAR In Bed?

I was tickled to post about this when one of the Blogs that I follow, Marie harmony, asked her female followers "What We Regularly Wear At Home?"
And I thought about this subject.  Now listen up, this has no empirical evidence nor do I want to sound like a Cosmo Magazine article save for a few smiles and laughs.  Yet some of it may have a little grain of truth and accuracy, I really don't know.  It's worth a read though, trust me on that.

Well have you ever been to a Pyjama Party?  Did you really come into the party with your actual sleepwear?  Honestly?  Well if you did, let's take a look at what this may tell about you.


Flannel Pyjamas (Pajamas)
You are an open book.  What you see, what you get.  You want to feel cozy and comfortable and you rely on your sensibilities.  No nonsense and no time for games. You don't dress for sexuality, so they say, unless you only wear the top and nothing else.  You may love your partner but excitement is not your thing and you are satisfied with routine.


Silky/Lacy Lingerie
You are likely to be a modern romantic. If you love the silky type, you wear this as a touch of femininity; and you know your partner wants to touch it too.  You take the lead in staging some level of eroticism in your relationships. If you tend towards the lacy type, long, short or mid-length, you really don't dress for comfort but to please your partner. You are trying to obtain a sexual connection with your partner, but he is likely in control, not you. (Well, I don't know about you but lace just makes me itch.  And I totally don't find anything nearly romantic or sensual if I am scratching myself all over.)


Teddy/Cotton Camisole/Tank Top and Shorts

You have to be very confident, playful and comfortable in your own skin to pull this off. If you will be romping around with this on, you completely trust and love how your body looks. (I just love how that sounds because as this is my staple look, it is mainly because I always thought I will grow up to be a boy. And I just honestly never outgrew the "look.") You tend to be the more adventurous type in lifestyle and sexual preferences. You don't really give a rodent's ass if you will have sex in the kitchen with the lights on. You are spontaneous and generally sexually charged. (Hmmm...)


Naked and Raw (Or just nek-ked)
They say, chances are, you are a spirited idealist, a natural leader. Quite innovative, a bit reckless and adapts easily to change. If you sleep in the raw with your partner, it creates the strongest level of intimacy between two people. Even if you are not having sex, there is an absolute erotic and sensual edge into it. Plus the bonus factor that the absence of waistbands and elastic straps will never make you look fatter. (Hey that makes a lot of sense!)

Sign Up Now: SPECIAL CLASSES FOR MEN and WOMEN

I recently received from a colleague friend a very interesting Training Curriculum, designed specifically to address Special Needs of Men and Women. When I browsed through the list, I can't help but recognize how insanely spot on are the Topics and Offerings.  The Battle of the Sexes rages on in the education milieu, 21st century version.  Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose.

Let me lay down a fair playing field,  the Classes for the "better man" first, then Classes for Men.
CLASSES FOR WOMEN:

  
Topic 1. Silence, the Final Frontier:  Where No Woman Has Gone Before (Seriously?)
  
Topic 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits (Withdrawals are easier)
  
Topic 3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits (Simply Rubbish!)
  
Topic 4. Bathroom Etiquette: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too (quite Interesting topic, very new concept)
  
Topic 5. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First (My core competence)
  
Topic 6. Communication Skills II: Getting What you Want Without Nagging (Really? New methodologies that work, I mean really work?))
  
Topic 7. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire (I hate this, I race cars!)
  
Topic 8. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up (Nonsense!)
  
Topic 9. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have (Won't enrol here)
  
Topic 10. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both (I just really play dumb...)

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN. ALL ARE WELCOME! OPEN TO MEN ONLY! (hahahaha ... sorry can't help seeing HOW totally redundant this sounds!)
  
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of ONLY eight participants per Class.
  
Topic 1. How To Fill Ice-cube Trays. Step By Step With Slide Presentation. (Should be easy enough, huh?)
  
Topic 2. Toilet Paper Rolls: Do They Grow On The Holders?  Round-Table Discussion. (Sequence could have been based on increasing level of difficulty, hmmm...)
  
Topic 3. Differences Between The Laundry Basket And The Floor.  Pictures And Very Simple Explanatory Graphics. (Yeah, I can now see how difficult the topics are)
  
Topic 4. Learning How To Find Things, Starting With Looking in the Right Place Instead of Turning the House Upside Down While Screaming.  Open Forum. Question and Answer. (this should have a Module 1 and 2 like the Communication for women.  Just sayin'.)
  
Topic 5. Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers Is NOT Harmful To Your Health.  Graphics,  Audio Tape with FREE Interactive DVD for your Home Theatre.  (Nice touch on the free DVD)
  
Topic 6. Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost.  Real-Life Testimonials. Prominent Sports Personalities have been Invited as Guest Speakers. (they found Speakers for Testimonials???)
  
Topic 7. Is it Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly As She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulation.  (Must not miss Course!)
  
Topic 8. Learning To Live: Basic Differences Between Mother And Wife.  Online class and Role Playing. Self-Assessment Survey at End of Topic. (Love the Role Playing method...)
  
Topic 9. How To Be The Ideal Shopping Companion.  Relaxation exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. (Again, this should be designed in 4 Modules instead of just one!)
  
Topic 10. How To Fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries, Other Important Dates, Tasks, And Calling When You're Going To Be Late.  Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions.  (My all-time favourite!) 

The Seven Kinds of Sex - Survey Said

Now that I have this latest fascination with Surveys, I found out based on a recent survey, that there are actually Seven (7) Kinds of Sex:


The first kind is called the "SMURF SEX."  
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.


The 2nd kind of sex is called the "KITCHEN SEX."
This is when you have been with your partner for a relatively short time, you are so needy that you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.


The 3rd kind of sex is called the "BEDROOM SEX."
This is when you have been with your partner for some time, your sex has gone to become a little bit routine, and you usually have sex only in the bedroom.


The 4th kind of sex is called the "HALLWAY SEX."
This is when you have been with you partner for too long.  You pass each other on the hallway, and you both say "Screw You!"


The 5th kind of Sex is called "RELIGIOUS SEX."
Which means you get NUN in the morning, NUN in the afternoon, and NUN at night.  (Very popular)


The 6th kind of Sex is called the "COURTROOM SEX."
This is when you cannot stand each other anymore, your spouse/partner decides to take you to court and screws you in front of everyone.


And lastly, the 7th kind of Sex is called the "SOCIAL SECURITY SEX."
You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.


Please do not comment to tell me what stage you are in. I have enough problems of my own.